Saying Sorry

I saw something on Facebook today that got me thinking. It was a picture that said “You want them to be sorry, which is why you are miserable.” Truer words never said.

I think, to take it a step further, we want how we were wronged to be acknowledged by the one who wronged us. We want to be validated. No matter how small the wrong is. We all want in some way to be told that it’s okay to feel what we feel because it’s justified by the other’s actions and validation by the one who hurt us does that.

Saying sorry is not a fix all unfortunately. The words mean nothing if it is not backed by action. Giving a false apology to another is even more hurtful than not apologizing at all because the one accepting the apology has lowered their guard enough to be able to begin to build up that trust. When one false apologizes, it shatters that trust again which causes the other to hurt even more.

I’m here to tell you it is okay to feel hurt, and as long as you don’t take it too far by using your hurt to justify your actions towards another. Just because you were hurt by someone does not make it okay to hurt others. That’s just being an asshole, along with a bit of insecurities.

To be honest I have struggled with this. I have wanted to hurt those who have hurt me and I am sure I have a few times. I don’t want to be the type of person who lashes out at others simply because I am angry, which really boils down to being hurt. Yes, hurt = anger and anger = hurt. Learning how I react and what I truly feel in situations is a big key in learning who I am vs who I want to be. It’s a process that I can never stop because if I do, I rob myself the chance growing a little bit each day.

A Day in the Life of Nobody

Truth

What is truth? Is it the lies that one believes or is it something that others only believe if they see it? The misconception of truth (that it is subjective) is one I used to believe. There is reality and there is the perception of reality. But mixed into the middle of all that lies truth, even if one chooses not to face it.

My truth is that I was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. While most of it was emotional abuse by a narcissist, it did lead to physical a few times. I often thought that because I was not hit on a regular basis that it wasn’t really abuse, and that was my subjective truth. How little I knew of how much damage was done.

It wasn’t until I left that the reality of what was really going on hit me. It took me years to come to grips that I was one who endured abuse. It was shaming at first, then embarrassing, then finally I accepted it for what it was. I would have never known what the disorder was that my ex-husband had until about 5 years after I left him and it was only through the help of a therapist that took the time to understand and listen to all I had to say about every little detail that I was trying to work out at the time.

All the literature in the world wouldn’t have prepared me for the mental breakdown I would have after leaving an abusive relationship that I didn’t realize was abusive in the first place.  I knew it wasn’t healthy but abusive? No, I just thought he was an asshole.

At first I was  like “Hell Yeah! I’m free! Let’s go have a great life!” Then the doubt started to creep in again. Especially when I still had to deal with the abuser because we have children together. I had to force myself to remember that I was no longer married to this person and I didn’t have to follow “his rules”.

The anxiety grew with each year that passed, along with the doubt of believing I was worthy of a good pure love. I also wondered if I would even see it enough to trust that it was real and not fabricated. For those of you who don’t understand, when you learn that most of the 15 year marriage you were in was a sham to get you “programmed” a certain way to think, you doubt everything. I really do mean everything. I was married again and I knew my current husband loved me but in the back corners of my mind I still had some doubts about it all.

Now I believe, 7 years it took for me to believe that I was worthy. 7 YEARS. Nearly half the time it took to “program” me. I thank the good Lord above every day for sending me my current husband. He was patient and loving while he stood back and allowed me to figure it out on my own. I go through each day now and think to myself, this is my day to be me and be accepted for it. Tomorrow is a new day.

A Day in the Life of Nobody

Finally Time

It’s been difficult. The last couple years. I have struggled with health, and fought the emotions in me and whether or not to actually continue this blog. Let me first say that I am not a writer. I am not always good at proper English so bear with me as I stumble for words from the complexity of my mind that rambles endlessly between the past and the present.

I am now an empty-nester. The children have gone. The silence on the days my husband is working is sometimes crushing. I never realized how much I gave to my children. How much of my emotional investment and time of worrying about everything. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry but they are no longer living with me and the worry is of a different kind.

As I was saying, I am an empty-nester. Which has now given me more time to actually write down the things that have tortured me for years. I am not entirely sure if it will all be written here or not. I have a difficult past to say the least. Diagnosed with PTSD from an abusive relationship is not something I am proud of, I always believed I was stronger than most. Turns out the strength I used to endure what I went through at the time has now come back to haunt the dreams of the future.

It’s scary, the fear that en-capsules you as you walk through life. Knowing that somewhere around the corner there will be another attack from a different angle, and from where you least expect it. What’s even scarier is knowing that however it comes it will always come from the direction of a child being used as a means to an end.

It’s my fault, It really is. I knew better than to show my weakness which are my children. I knew better yet I did it anyway and now it is, and will always be used to try to turn their love for me away. One relationship has already been damaged but hopefully not beyond repair as the child gets older and has children of her own. The second, we are good as of now. I’m pretty sure that no matter how hard it’s tried, it will always be there in some capacity.

I am hoping in some way this can be therapeutic, that this can arrange my thoughts into being able to chuck out the bad and move forward with the good. We’ll see. I am not even sure if I will be able to stick with it as I oftentimes become overwhelmed and tend to shut down for awhile. It’s worth a try right?

A Day in the Life of Nobody