Truth

What is truth? Is it the lies that one believes or is it something that others only believe if they see it? The misconception of truth (that it is subjective) is one I used to believe. There is reality and there is the perception of reality. But mixed into the middle of all that lies truth, even if one chooses not to face it.

My truth is that I was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. While most of it was emotional abuse by a narcissist, it did lead to physical a few times. I often thought that because I was not hit on a regular basis that it wasn’t really abuse, and that was my subjective truth. How little I knew of how much damage was done.

It wasn’t until I left that the reality of what was really going on hit me. It took me years to come to grips that I was one who endured abuse. It was shaming at first, then embarrassing, then finally I accepted it for what it was. I would have never known what the disorder was that my ex-husband had until about 5 years after I left him and it was only through the help of a therapist that took the time to understand and listen to all I had to say about every little detail that I was trying to work out at the time.

All the literature in the world wouldn’t have prepared me for the mental breakdown I would have after leaving an abusive relationship that I didn’t realize was abusive in the first place.  I knew it wasn’t healthy but abusive? No, I just thought he was an asshole.

At first I was  like “Hell Yeah! I’m free! Let’s go have a great life!” Then the doubt started to creep in again. Especially when I still had to deal with the abuser because we have children together. I had to force myself to remember that I was no longer married to this person and I didn’t have to follow “his rules”.

The anxiety grew with each year that passed, along with the doubt of believing I was worthy of a good pure love. I also wondered if I would even see it enough to trust that it was real and not fabricated. For those of you who don’t understand, when you learn that most of the 15 year marriage you were in was a sham to get you “programmed” a certain way to think, you doubt everything. I really do mean everything. I was married again and I knew my current husband loved me but in the back corners of my mind I still had some doubts about it all.

Now I believe, 7 years it took for me to believe that I was worthy. 7 YEARS. Nearly half the time it took to “program” me. I thank the good Lord above every day for sending me my current husband. He was patient and loving while he stood back and allowed me to figure it out on my own. I go through each day now and think to myself, this is my day to be me and be accepted for it. Tomorrow is a new day.

A Day in the Life of Nobody

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