It’s been difficult. The last couple years. I have struggled with health, and fought the emotions in me and whether or not to actually continue this blog. Let me first say that I am not a writer. I am not always good at proper English so bear with me as I stumble for words from the complexity of my mind that rambles endlessly between the past and the present.
I am now an empty-nester. The children have gone. The silence on the days my husband is working is sometimes crushing. I never realized how much I gave to my children. How much of my emotional investment and time of worrying about everything. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry but they are no longer living with me and the worry is of a different kind.
As I was saying, I am an empty-nester. Which has now given me more time to actually write down the things that have tortured me for years. I am not entirely sure if it will all be written here or not. I have a difficult past to say the least. Diagnosed with PTSD from an abusive relationship is not something I am proud of, I always believed I was stronger than most. Turns out the strength I used to endure what I went through at the time has now come back to haunt the dreams of the future.
It’s scary, the fear that en-capsules you as you walk through life. Knowing that somewhere around the corner there will be another attack from a different angle, and from where you least expect it. What’s even scarier is knowing that however it comes it will always come from the direction of a child being used as a means to an end.
It’s my fault, It really is. I knew better than to show my weakness which are my children. I knew better yet I did it anyway and now it is, and will always be used to try to turn their love for me away. One relationship has already been damaged but hopefully not beyond repair as the child gets older and has children of her own. The second, we are good as of now. I’m pretty sure that no matter how hard it’s tried, it will always be there in some capacity.
I am hoping in some way this can be therapeutic, that this can arrange my thoughts into being able to chuck out the bad and move forward with the good. We’ll see. I am not even sure if I will be able to stick with it as I oftentimes become overwhelmed and tend to shut down for awhile. It’s worth a try right?
A Day in the Life of Nobody